I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
