last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
