I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
