You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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