It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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