well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Randomize
