If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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