FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
