I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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