I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Boobs speak an international language.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
