What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
