I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Can i not drive my cunt home
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
