i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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