I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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