So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize