Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
