I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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