dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize