How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
