I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
