I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
