Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
