I'm going to jail i love you
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
