Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
