I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
