grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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