Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
