So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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