On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
