Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
