I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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