why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
