You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
