Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
