life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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