god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
