so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
