youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
