Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
