i used baking grease as lip gloss
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize