also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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