i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
