Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
