just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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