just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
