he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
