i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Never underestimate the power of titties
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
