Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
