He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
