Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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