tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
