He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
