It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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