if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Alive.
So much puke
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize