shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
