cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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