Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
