I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
