You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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