would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
