i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
