Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
