Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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