there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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