Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize