All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When did angry sex become our thing?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
