she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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