Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
