did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
