just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
