Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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