I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
