I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
